Heavenly Longing

There's something unique about the transition between worlds.  I find this period of time fascinating.  The old chapter has been closed, but the new chapter has yet to truly begin.  It's almost like being stranded in a foreign land, unknown to everyone.  It's slightly disconcerting, yet it carries a small comfort.  When I'm on an airplane, flying from one home, across an ocean and a massive bit of land, to another home, I feel this most acutely.  I'm stranded between worlds.  What an equally terrifying and exhilirating feeling!  Both worlds almost cease to exist beyond a dream-like state.  I don't really know what to make of it.  It's such a familiar feeling, and yet, it still continues to puzzle me.  Oh, change.
My eyes and heart are weary from goodbyes.  No matter how many times you've parted with someone you love, the ache of the distance between you does not diminish.  Sometimes, I wish there were a way to bridge the massive gap between worlds.  This summer, I got a small taste of it when some friends from my (now dream-like) Simpson world visited my (also, now dream-like) family world in England.  It was so strange to see and experience but oh so wonderful.  In times of transition, my heart aches ever more for a home where goodbyes do not exist, and every person that I love (I hope and pray) will be together with me living out eternity with our ultimate, great Love, the recipient of creation's eternal adoration. 
Yes, my heart longs for this place of permanence, a home I hope and ache for now as my heart is transformed in its expectation.  Could I ever be worthy to belong to such a home? No.
But the beauty of love shown through the work of redemption and in the the outpouring of heavenly grace gives me hope to belong to such a kingdom.  And I know that, even now, as I wander this foreign world, I belong to this kingdom and am destined to live out its reality here on earth and one day be face to face with the King of whose splendor there is no compare. 
I never truly ache for places I've never been to, but rather, I ache for the places that have been home to me, because the people in those places are people I've learned to love.  Yet, even having never been there, I ache for my heavenly home, for it is there that I will be face to face with the fullness of the presence of the Romancer of my soul, the one in whom I am complete. 
But for now, like my namesake, I wander, a stranger in foreign lands.  I carry His presence in me, a priceless treasure in this humble and broken jar of clay, finding beauty and brokenness in each place I tread and person I meet, neighbors in stark contrast but perfect complement, His strength in utter weakness.  I get to see firsthand His work of redemption in the people I encounter, all of us fallen image-bearers being restored in His glory and love.
And as we walk the path through this life, faithfully believing in that which we have yet to see, we carry in us this beautiful hope, to one day look upon His face, in all His glory as His arms open wide for an embrace, and hear Him say, "My beloved, welcome home."

Reconciled.

My heart has been met with a sense of urgency.
As I worked on painting the world onto a pair of TOMS I'm working on for a friend, I sat in the living room as my dad and sister watched a film about the injustice in our world.  I found myself draw in. In the film, essentially, a man wanted to divorce his wife within a culture where she would be left destitute to care for her two daughters, based on the reason that he wanted to marry a much younger wife and move to the city with their two sons.  When she refused to give him a divorce, he, along with the town's head of religion, hatched a plot to accuse and convict his wife of adultery, and sentence her to death.  In the end, their plan succeeded, and based on the men's false accusations and deception, the woman was stoned to death.  It was a very difficult film to watch, especially when the men were so ardent to defend the glory and honor of God through the stoning of a supposed guilty woman.
The injustice in the film was horrific.
It reminded me of the hopelessness of humanity in trying to reach/please a pure and holy God on its own.
But, furthermore, it made me so much more grateful that the same God who was so unreachable loved our broken humanity so much that He made a way to intimacy and communion with Him--Jesus.
What a precious gift we have in Jesus!
As I painted the world, I couldn't help but think about the countless people without knowledge of this precious gift.
As the story in the film unfolded, I was reminded of the picture of Jesus at the intended stoning of another woman who was caught in adultery, where He brought to light man's hopelessness in being holy in and of himself, and demonstrated the mercy and forgiveness of the Father through Himself, putting self-righteous religious leaders to shame and saving a broken but repentant woman from death.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." (2 Cor. 5:17-19)

And so the urgency churns restlessly within my heart.
The reconciliation to the Holy, Merciful, Good, and Loving God has been made, but there are many blinded by a veil of deception, hopelessly trying to reach a distant and demanding god through futile human efforts.  Jesus made the way, and now we enjoy intimacy and communion with the Father, praise the Lord.
Oh that we may be a part of seeing the lost come into the kingdom and be restored in His love.
May we never be satisfied to revel in life within a comfortable distance from others that are wasting away in death.

"We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (5:20-21)

Shadow of His Wings

"Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Be still and know that I am God."

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Manchester.
The past week brought chaos to this country with riots breaking out in a number of major cities throughout England. The riots even broke out in our own city, Manchester, disorder breaking out in the city centre, with shops being looted and some even burned.
Yesterday, as a church, we lifted up our city and nation to the Lord, for restoration and an end to the violence.  It was beautiful to see the church come together with one heart and cry to the Lord.
Esther, Liz, and I joined in singing in the choir as the youth led worship.  I felt so honoured to be able to feel a part of the church even if it was just for a bit before I leave in a week.
As I start to think about leaving home yet again, my heart's first reaction is fear, uncertainty.
I'm going back to the familiar, and yet, I've been really working through a lot in my heart.
As I've been praying through this, the Lord has really been bringing to mind the idea of a covering.
I think a lot of my fear and insecurity about leaving lies in that I feel safe at home with my family.  I am under the covering of my parents, and under their covering, I feel like I don't have to worry because they are taking care of me.
The past years, I haven't completely felt what it is to be away from them because they have been able to come through for me when I was really in need.
I felt that the Lord was reminding me it is time to come out from under that covering, the sense of security that I've gotten from my family, and to place myself under His covering.  It's time to learn what it means to be directly under His covering, His protection, His provision.
I'm in a place where I can't provide for this year, and neither can my parents.
I don't know what this year holds, but I know He's calling me to surrender the control I've tried to maintain and trust that He will come through for me.
I'm learning what it means to live in the shadow of His wings.
Psalm 36:7,” “How precious, O God, is your constant love! We find protection under the shadow of your wings.” 
“How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.”

Excerpt from My Utmost For His Highest

This is where I am at right now. Oh that my faith would increase. I'm learning more of who He is and who I am, both in Him, and what I mean to Him. 

The Theology of Resting in God

Why are you fearful, O you of little faith? —Matthew 8:26

When we are afraid, the least we can do is pray to God. But our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His name have an underlying confidence in Him. God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crisis they are the ones who are reliable. Yet our trust is only in God up to a certain point, then we turn back to the elementary panic-stricken prayers of those people who do not even know God. We come to our wits’ end, showing that we don’t have even the slightest amount of confidence in Him or in His sovereign control of the world. To us He seems to be asleep, and we can see nothing but giant, breaking waves on the sea ahead of us.

“. . . O you of little faith!” What a stinging pain must have shot through the disciples as they surely thought to themselves, “We missed the mark again!” And what a sharp pain will go through us when we suddenly realize that we could have produced complete and utter joy in the heart of Jesus by remaining absolutely confident in Him, in spite of what we were facing.There are times when there is no storm or crisis in our lives, and we do all that is humanly possible. But it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, yet without breaking our confidence in Him.We have been talking quite a lot about sanctification, but what will be the result in our lives? It will be expressed in our lives as a peaceful resting in God, which means a total oneness with Him. And this oneness will make us not only blameless in His sight, but also a profound joy to Him.

As the summer comes to an end...

It's been two years since I began the journey of higher education at Simpson University. The Lord has done so much in my life through my time there. I've been so blessed to go there and share life with the amazing people God has allowed me to befriend.
One thing I have been learning slowly this past year is the meaning of living in community.
And so, from a very guarded heart, here is a little show of vulnerability.
I tend to be a private person. I think in the life I've had of constantly moving from place to place, I've not really understood what it means to live in community. To an extent, yes, I do understand, but moving so much, I've learned to give only so much as is necessary to carry a superficial friendship which will make for an easy goodbye when the time comes to move on.
In a way, I've crippled myself, trying to make myself self-sufficient and fully able to take care of myself and yet created a fear of any real attachment.
I think independence is good to an extent; however, I believe we were created to live in community. I think the church was meant to be God's picture of what it looks like to live in community here on earth. In reading Acts, I love the picture of the early church and the beautiful community that they had.
Being so used to moving on, attachment is terrifying.
I don't understand the concept of a "home church," and it makes me anxious sometimes due to some past experiences with churches.
God's convicted me a lot in this area.
In selfishly trying to hold on to some aspect of control and in giving in to fear of vulnerability, I've neglected to live in community as He would have me live. I've tried to walk this journey alone because I'm terrified no one will want to walk it with me.
Fear has made me guarded and afraid to both give what I have to offer and ask for help when I need it.
Essentially, it even comes down to my fear of looking to God and putting my trust in Him because I've tried to make myself fully self-sufficient.
This summer, I spent time getting to know my family again and living life with them again after not having truly lived with them since actually moving out. Part of me, worrying about next year and finding a way to pay for the extra cost of living on campus, keeps thinking it was a mistake to come home and instead I should have stayed and worked, like last summer.
And yet, at the beginning of the summer, I felt that this was where I should be, with my family, after so long apart from them. A lot of changes are happening in my family now, in my parents' ministry, with Liz leaving to CA, and moving house--I think coming home was good. We needed to be together in this season of change.
This summer was also a good time of rest, and the Lord has done so much in my heart.
I have a year and a half left of uni, and it's scary to look ahead and not know what comes next.
I've been seeking the Lord and His heart a lot this summer. Right now, I don't know what's coming up, but I know my passion lies in the Middle East, and I long to serve the Lord with all my heart. He deserves all the glory, and I feel so blessed that He gives me the opportunity to be a part of bringing His kingdom to the world.
So this year, I am continuing to learn the importance of surrendering and putting my trust in the Lord. He is so good, and I am learning what an honor and privilege it is to serve Him. I am so blessed.
I am hoping to seek intentional community, learning what it is to live as the church.
If you're reading this, I would very much appreciate it, that if I come to mind, could you please pray for the following:
Please pray for me as I look for a church that I can be a part of. Even after two years, I've attended two different churches but not found one to be a part of. This is one of my goals for this year.
Please pray for God's continued financial provision to cover the costs of  university.
Pleas pray for my family--they're going through a lot of transition and they really need support and encouragement during this time.
I'm so blessed. The Lord is good, and His goodness has been evident in my life.

And so it begins...

I decided to start blogging.
Why?
Hmmm...well, I used to write quite frequently. I dreamed of one day authoring a book and having it published. I was constantly thinking about different plot lines, toying with the stories slowly growing in my mind. Characters were just shadows, mere possibilities yet to be fleshed into existence. But the possibilities were enough to make my young heart giddy with excitement over the words I would pen.
Then, I started university after a year at Bible School, and I became busy with life. My dreams of being an author shifted to dreams of going overseas, which I believe was a lot of God's doing, and writing became a pastime rather than training for a future career.
As of now, writing is still something I enjoy but cannot see as a future career.
Now, back to the reason I decided to start blogging.
By no means do I believe my thoughts would be particularly interesting to the general public or are somehow worthy of the extra time spent to read them.
I think I am doing this more for myself.
I love to write, and I want an incentive to do it more frequently.
I'm sure stories from my life, including my hopes and dreams, will find their way into this place, but mostly, I just want a place to encourage the creativity that once thrilled my fingers into letting my imagination flow out onto paper.
If you choose to accompany me on this journey or just stop in once or twice along the way, you are welcome.
And so it begins.