Stumbling Through the Mist

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a road in the middle of a dark valley, stumbling through mist so thick, I'm blinded.  I cannot see the way ahead, and the way behind me has been closed off so there's no way to go but forward.  I  try to find my way on the right path, but the fog is so thick, all I can do is stretch out my hands and walk, not knowing where the path will lead me.  I trip and fall, then stand again and try harder, squinting to see through the darkness ahead.
Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a guessing game with God.
I find myself staring intently at the mist in front of me, as though if I stare hard enough, the mist will disappear, and the future will be laid out in a perfect little path in front of me.  Go here, do this, and there will be good things for you.
Sometimes, I think that if I try hard enough, I'll guess the right answer, the bells will chime, and I'll know it's okay to proceed with that plan.
Oh, if only life were that easy.
Let me share with you something of the wonderful provision of the Lord in my life.
At the end of the summer, in planning on coming back to school, I did not have the means of paying for some of my costs this semester.  There were a lot of tearful prayer times seeking the Lord's guidance and provision and wrestling with how it all would work out.  A lot of second-guessing myself and decisions and, yes, even God.
Of course, we have an amazing and caring Father, and through both His provision and the wonderful hearts of His servants, I made it through this semester.
I look back at that time of frantic worrying (yes, I'm one of those people), and I wish I could have known that it would work out and saved myself so many tears (my mother says that God holds our tears, but mine overflow His vats).  That season stretched my faith.
And now, again, I'm at a crossroads of decision-making.  Big decision-making.
I feel like life is always a journey through season after season of dealing with unknowns.  What a reassurance to know the Lord is guiding us along the journey, but what a struggle and lesson in faith it is to trust Him along the way.
Right now, I'm struggling through decisions of what to do with my living situation next semester, where I may go for my internship next summer, getting a job for next summer, and how the Lord will work to provide for it all.  Even beyond that, what path my life will end up taking as I start my last year of school next semester and look forward to what comes afterwards.
A lot of decisions.
A lot of unknowns.
And that brings us back to the guessing game.
I am on this journey of knowing and discovering the heart of God and learning what it means to walk in His ways.
It is a difficult but beautiful journey, as I daily both learn to and actively allow Christ to work His transforming redemption in my life.
I come back to this place knowing that learning to trust Him in the things of now is but a small step preparing me to learning to trust Him in greater things.

  "The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall,  for the LORD upholds him with his hand." 

 Psalm 37:23-24

I find myself doing a lot of stumbling along this path.  There's been a lot of me falling to my knees or on my face, tired and not knowing where to go for the next step because the fog is too thick, and the unknown cloaked in mystery.  I sit there on the road, cry my eyes out, and at the end of all I can do, ask God to come through.  There's nothing left for me to do, and so He alone can shine.  He picks me up, takes me hand and starts leading me through the dark.  I stumble, get maybe somewhat scraped up along the way, but He mends the wounds and starts to show me that in my surrender, He is made great.  In my surrender, His good and perfect plan will prevail.  And that is a comforting thought in the midst of the unknowns.  Here we go.

The Fire in the Storm

Sometimes I feel so helpless in this sea.  It's strange to think how easily my perspective can change when the atmosphere changes.  On calm waters, when I'm floating along happily, it's easy to tell God that I trust Him.  After all, there is no hardship, no need for trust, really.  Everything is just as I would like it to be.  Then, the tempest comes, and suddenly, I am tossed about in a raging ocean with nothing to hold on to.  God is there, the Rock and solid place in the midst of the storm.  And yet, trusting Him is so difficult! If I risk it and take hold of this Rock, will I slip and plunge into the depths of this raging sea?
It's strange to think that when He is all I have to hold to, it's so hard for me to crucify my pride in order to reach out and take hold of His hand, to surrender my will in order to allow His will to be done and to rescue me from the tempest in His own perfect manner.

Maybe I do reach out, take that one step of will-defying faith towards Him, but often, like Peter, I falter.  And I come back to this question, this question that torments me as the storm rages around me.  Why is it so difficult to trust Him? When neither I nor anyone around me can help me, why does it take every bit of strength to put my trust in the One who has proven Himself faithful time after time?

Then I question why.  Why am I alone in this tempest? Why is everyone else floating on calm waters while I face the angry sea alone? I begin to wonder at the love of a Father to allow His children to doggy-paddle helplessly in the midst of a raging ocean while He waits.  I wonder what He is thinking, what is His purpose in this?

I am learning to trust in His love as the Father, but I am also learning to recognize His role as Sanctifier and Redeemer.  The journey of following Christ is a process of dying to self, of having our will crucified and buried to make room for living out the Father's will in us.  And sanctification is not a calm-water process.  Gold is refined through fire.  Hearts that once dwelt in darkness and sin must need a stronger crucible than gold.  If my faith is to be refined, it is often the raging storms that play the part of the crucible, the true test of turning to the Father and surrendering to His work in and through my life.  I think the beautiful, complementing conundrum is found in realizing His role as both the sanctifying Redeemer and loving Father.  He allows us to face the crucible but is with us every step of the way.

The test lies in this: to continue to hold fast in the storm, to surrender and trust in Him even in His apparent silence amidst the raging sea, and to continue to hope.

There's a lot of unknowns in my future right now, even in the near present.  But praise the Lord, He is faithful and near.  My nature is to worry, but He is teaching me to trust.  What a beautiful thing to know that His love is unfailing and our steps are secure within His will.  I am so blessed.

"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10: 22-23

Pursuing the Quiet

It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and process what has been happening in my life and actually write down my thoughts.
The school year has begun in a flurry, and I feel like I haven't had any time to catch my breath.
Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself, but I guess a lot of what I am involved in is helping train me for life outside of the walls of Simpson.
In this moment, my life is hectic, and like last semester, I am so weary, just emotionally and physically, even spiritually.
The quiet place of rest in the Lord's presence is what my soul is constantly thirsting for, now even more desperately in this time of busyness.  It's strange how in times like these, it is the most difficult to escape to that place of rest and yet it is where my soul is ever more aware of the need for time in His presence.
This summer, I had so much time for rest, and the Lord taught me the goodness of it (then I craved the busyness of this life!).
And now, I have little time for rest, and I miss having so much time to choose to be with the Lord.  The good thing is I remember the rest that He taught me, and I know the importance of it for my body, mind, and soul.
This Sunday at Risen King, the pastor talked about the discipline of devotion and "pursuing the quiet."  It resonated so much with me as I struggle to make time for the quiet rest in midst of everything I have to do.
This week, my heart has been oppressed under a sense of heaviness.  With everything I have going on, it was easy to ignore it, except for the times it attacked me when I slowed down enough to feel it.  I don't know what it has been or where it's from, but I know it's not of the Lord.  It all came to a climax last night in a dream, where evil was very present.  In my dream, I knew the power of the Lord and His victory over darkness, which swept away the fear but still left my heart feeling disturbed.
It made me so much more aware of the spiritual war going on around me, which can be so easily forgotten in this life and culture.  I don't see the physical effects of spiritual warfare, but my spirit feels it.
As I'm looking towards the rest of this year and the future: my internship next summer, one more semester of school, graduation, and then whatever the Lord has in store for me after, I am filled with expectation and hope at what the Lord will do in and through me.
My heart longs to see the Lord's kingdom come and His heart for the lost play out in nations bound in darkness, and I think that the darkness would do anything to stop the light from penetrating those hearts.
I pray for those who are already in the darkest places living out the light in the form of His love as I live in this season of learning and growing and preparing.
I mostly just use this blog as a way to write out thoughts that have been on my heart lately and don't like to ask people things, but since I feel like there has been a palpable heaviness present here, could you please keep me in your prayers?
It is encouraging to know that this journey is not walked alone, firstly because we walk with Jesus in this journey, and secondly because He has provided community within His church for this journey.
Thank you for the beauty of the light of Jesus shining in His love through you.

Journey to the Cross

For a dry and parched land, rain is life itself.
For a dry and parched soul, the love of our Father is like the rain, refreshing and renewing, breathing life into places that have become stagnant and weary.
What joy to feel the soul slowly open up to the first few drops of this life, rain on a parched soul, increasing until it is drenched in this torrent of living water, and then finally is inundated beneath the swirling, endless ocean waters of beautiful, living love.
The healing has begun.
But I think this all begins with a state of brokenness.
A weary and broken traveller, bleeding and wasted from a journey alone drags him(her)self up a final hill and falls prostrate before a crude wooden cross, splintered and stained red from the blood paid for this journeyer.  In brokenness, the journeyer is left with nothing but to turn weary eyes upwards where innocence and holiness collided with the world's depravity and death seemed to assume the victory.  But within the shed blood dripping down the rugged cross, life flowed like living water for dying, thirsty souls.  Love won the victory.
In a holy King's humbling sacrifice, dying and broken wanderers were raised to life.
The healing begins in the blood and the brokenness and continues in the purifying waters of love and redemption.
Washed in the cleansing rivers of His love, I think we are meant to return to the cross, daily, in every moment, our gaze should be fixed on the cross.
In love, He humbled Himself to raise us up.
In love, we should take the attitude of Christ, humbling ourselves so that He may be lifted up and glorified and so that others may be raised up.
I feel like we're in a constant journey back to the foot of the cross, living in remembrance of His sacrifice and the beauty of redemption.
Lately, a lot has been on my heart.  All around me, the Lord continues to emphasize this recurring theme.  As I look upon the cross, I wonder how such a crude and horrific form of execution could be transformed simply because He used it in His great plan for rescue and redemption.  He continues to bring me back to the cross, and I keep finding myself drawn back to its mystery and beauty.  And I find myself both refreshed and humbled in its shadow.

Heavenly Longing

There's something unique about the transition between worlds.  I find this period of time fascinating.  The old chapter has been closed, but the new chapter has yet to truly begin.  It's almost like being stranded in a foreign land, unknown to everyone.  It's slightly disconcerting, yet it carries a small comfort.  When I'm on an airplane, flying from one home, across an ocean and a massive bit of land, to another home, I feel this most acutely.  I'm stranded between worlds.  What an equally terrifying and exhilirating feeling!  Both worlds almost cease to exist beyond a dream-like state.  I don't really know what to make of it.  It's such a familiar feeling, and yet, it still continues to puzzle me.  Oh, change.
My eyes and heart are weary from goodbyes.  No matter how many times you've parted with someone you love, the ache of the distance between you does not diminish.  Sometimes, I wish there were a way to bridge the massive gap between worlds.  This summer, I got a small taste of it when some friends from my (now dream-like) Simpson world visited my (also, now dream-like) family world in England.  It was so strange to see and experience but oh so wonderful.  In times of transition, my heart aches ever more for a home where goodbyes do not exist, and every person that I love (I hope and pray) will be together with me living out eternity with our ultimate, great Love, the recipient of creation's eternal adoration. 
Yes, my heart longs for this place of permanence, a home I hope and ache for now as my heart is transformed in its expectation.  Could I ever be worthy to belong to such a home? No.
But the beauty of love shown through the work of redemption and in the the outpouring of heavenly grace gives me hope to belong to such a kingdom.  And I know that, even now, as I wander this foreign world, I belong to this kingdom and am destined to live out its reality here on earth and one day be face to face with the King of whose splendor there is no compare. 
I never truly ache for places I've never been to, but rather, I ache for the places that have been home to me, because the people in those places are people I've learned to love.  Yet, even having never been there, I ache for my heavenly home, for it is there that I will be face to face with the fullness of the presence of the Romancer of my soul, the one in whom I am complete. 
But for now, like my namesake, I wander, a stranger in foreign lands.  I carry His presence in me, a priceless treasure in this humble and broken jar of clay, finding beauty and brokenness in each place I tread and person I meet, neighbors in stark contrast but perfect complement, His strength in utter weakness.  I get to see firsthand His work of redemption in the people I encounter, all of us fallen image-bearers being restored in His glory and love.
And as we walk the path through this life, faithfully believing in that which we have yet to see, we carry in us this beautiful hope, to one day look upon His face, in all His glory as His arms open wide for an embrace, and hear Him say, "My beloved, welcome home."

Reconciled.

My heart has been met with a sense of urgency.
As I worked on painting the world onto a pair of TOMS I'm working on for a friend, I sat in the living room as my dad and sister watched a film about the injustice in our world.  I found myself draw in. In the film, essentially, a man wanted to divorce his wife within a culture where she would be left destitute to care for her two daughters, based on the reason that he wanted to marry a much younger wife and move to the city with their two sons.  When she refused to give him a divorce, he, along with the town's head of religion, hatched a plot to accuse and convict his wife of adultery, and sentence her to death.  In the end, their plan succeeded, and based on the men's false accusations and deception, the woman was stoned to death.  It was a very difficult film to watch, especially when the men were so ardent to defend the glory and honor of God through the stoning of a supposed guilty woman.
The injustice in the film was horrific.
It reminded me of the hopelessness of humanity in trying to reach/please a pure and holy God on its own.
But, furthermore, it made me so much more grateful that the same God who was so unreachable loved our broken humanity so much that He made a way to intimacy and communion with Him--Jesus.
What a precious gift we have in Jesus!
As I painted the world, I couldn't help but think about the countless people without knowledge of this precious gift.
As the story in the film unfolded, I was reminded of the picture of Jesus at the intended stoning of another woman who was caught in adultery, where He brought to light man's hopelessness in being holy in and of himself, and demonstrated the mercy and forgiveness of the Father through Himself, putting self-righteous religious leaders to shame and saving a broken but repentant woman from death.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." (2 Cor. 5:17-19)

And so the urgency churns restlessly within my heart.
The reconciliation to the Holy, Merciful, Good, and Loving God has been made, but there are many blinded by a veil of deception, hopelessly trying to reach a distant and demanding god through futile human efforts.  Jesus made the way, and now we enjoy intimacy and communion with the Father, praise the Lord.
Oh that we may be a part of seeing the lost come into the kingdom and be restored in His love.
May we never be satisfied to revel in life within a comfortable distance from others that are wasting away in death.

"We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (5:20-21)

Shadow of His Wings

"Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Be still and know that I am God."

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Manchester.
The past week brought chaos to this country with riots breaking out in a number of major cities throughout England. The riots even broke out in our own city, Manchester, disorder breaking out in the city centre, with shops being looted and some even burned.
Yesterday, as a church, we lifted up our city and nation to the Lord, for restoration and an end to the violence.  It was beautiful to see the church come together with one heart and cry to the Lord.
Esther, Liz, and I joined in singing in the choir as the youth led worship.  I felt so honoured to be able to feel a part of the church even if it was just for a bit before I leave in a week.
As I start to think about leaving home yet again, my heart's first reaction is fear, uncertainty.
I'm going back to the familiar, and yet, I've been really working through a lot in my heart.
As I've been praying through this, the Lord has really been bringing to mind the idea of a covering.
I think a lot of my fear and insecurity about leaving lies in that I feel safe at home with my family.  I am under the covering of my parents, and under their covering, I feel like I don't have to worry because they are taking care of me.
The past years, I haven't completely felt what it is to be away from them because they have been able to come through for me when I was really in need.
I felt that the Lord was reminding me it is time to come out from under that covering, the sense of security that I've gotten from my family, and to place myself under His covering.  It's time to learn what it means to be directly under His covering, His protection, His provision.
I'm in a place where I can't provide for this year, and neither can my parents.
I don't know what this year holds, but I know He's calling me to surrender the control I've tried to maintain and trust that He will come through for me.
I'm learning what it means to live in the shadow of His wings.
Psalm 36:7,” “How precious, O God, is your constant love! We find protection under the shadow of your wings.” 
“How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.”

Excerpt from My Utmost For His Highest

This is where I am at right now. Oh that my faith would increase. I'm learning more of who He is and who I am, both in Him, and what I mean to Him. 

The Theology of Resting in God

Why are you fearful, O you of little faith? —Matthew 8:26

When we are afraid, the least we can do is pray to God. But our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His name have an underlying confidence in Him. God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crisis they are the ones who are reliable. Yet our trust is only in God up to a certain point, then we turn back to the elementary panic-stricken prayers of those people who do not even know God. We come to our wits’ end, showing that we don’t have even the slightest amount of confidence in Him or in His sovereign control of the world. To us He seems to be asleep, and we can see nothing but giant, breaking waves on the sea ahead of us.

“. . . O you of little faith!” What a stinging pain must have shot through the disciples as they surely thought to themselves, “We missed the mark again!” And what a sharp pain will go through us when we suddenly realize that we could have produced complete and utter joy in the heart of Jesus by remaining absolutely confident in Him, in spite of what we were facing.There are times when there is no storm or crisis in our lives, and we do all that is humanly possible. But it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, yet without breaking our confidence in Him.We have been talking quite a lot about sanctification, but what will be the result in our lives? It will be expressed in our lives as a peaceful resting in God, which means a total oneness with Him. And this oneness will make us not only blameless in His sight, but also a profound joy to Him.

As the summer comes to an end...

It's been two years since I began the journey of higher education at Simpson University. The Lord has done so much in my life through my time there. I've been so blessed to go there and share life with the amazing people God has allowed me to befriend.
One thing I have been learning slowly this past year is the meaning of living in community.
And so, from a very guarded heart, here is a little show of vulnerability.
I tend to be a private person. I think in the life I've had of constantly moving from place to place, I've not really understood what it means to live in community. To an extent, yes, I do understand, but moving so much, I've learned to give only so much as is necessary to carry a superficial friendship which will make for an easy goodbye when the time comes to move on.
In a way, I've crippled myself, trying to make myself self-sufficient and fully able to take care of myself and yet created a fear of any real attachment.
I think independence is good to an extent; however, I believe we were created to live in community. I think the church was meant to be God's picture of what it looks like to live in community here on earth. In reading Acts, I love the picture of the early church and the beautiful community that they had.
Being so used to moving on, attachment is terrifying.
I don't understand the concept of a "home church," and it makes me anxious sometimes due to some past experiences with churches.
God's convicted me a lot in this area.
In selfishly trying to hold on to some aspect of control and in giving in to fear of vulnerability, I've neglected to live in community as He would have me live. I've tried to walk this journey alone because I'm terrified no one will want to walk it with me.
Fear has made me guarded and afraid to both give what I have to offer and ask for help when I need it.
Essentially, it even comes down to my fear of looking to God and putting my trust in Him because I've tried to make myself fully self-sufficient.
This summer, I spent time getting to know my family again and living life with them again after not having truly lived with them since actually moving out. Part of me, worrying about next year and finding a way to pay for the extra cost of living on campus, keeps thinking it was a mistake to come home and instead I should have stayed and worked, like last summer.
And yet, at the beginning of the summer, I felt that this was where I should be, with my family, after so long apart from them. A lot of changes are happening in my family now, in my parents' ministry, with Liz leaving to CA, and moving house--I think coming home was good. We needed to be together in this season of change.
This summer was also a good time of rest, and the Lord has done so much in my heart.
I have a year and a half left of uni, and it's scary to look ahead and not know what comes next.
I've been seeking the Lord and His heart a lot this summer. Right now, I don't know what's coming up, but I know my passion lies in the Middle East, and I long to serve the Lord with all my heart. He deserves all the glory, and I feel so blessed that He gives me the opportunity to be a part of bringing His kingdom to the world.
So this year, I am continuing to learn the importance of surrendering and putting my trust in the Lord. He is so good, and I am learning what an honor and privilege it is to serve Him. I am so blessed.
I am hoping to seek intentional community, learning what it is to live as the church.
If you're reading this, I would very much appreciate it, that if I come to mind, could you please pray for the following:
Please pray for me as I look for a church that I can be a part of. Even after two years, I've attended two different churches but not found one to be a part of. This is one of my goals for this year.
Please pray for God's continued financial provision to cover the costs of  university.
Pleas pray for my family--they're going through a lot of transition and they really need support and encouragement during this time.
I'm so blessed. The Lord is good, and His goodness has been evident in my life.

And so it begins...

I decided to start blogging.
Why?
Hmmm...well, I used to write quite frequently. I dreamed of one day authoring a book and having it published. I was constantly thinking about different plot lines, toying with the stories slowly growing in my mind. Characters were just shadows, mere possibilities yet to be fleshed into existence. But the possibilities were enough to make my young heart giddy with excitement over the words I would pen.
Then, I started university after a year at Bible School, and I became busy with life. My dreams of being an author shifted to dreams of going overseas, which I believe was a lot of God's doing, and writing became a pastime rather than training for a future career.
As of now, writing is still something I enjoy but cannot see as a future career.
Now, back to the reason I decided to start blogging.
By no means do I believe my thoughts would be particularly interesting to the general public or are somehow worthy of the extra time spent to read them.
I think I am doing this more for myself.
I love to write, and I want an incentive to do it more frequently.
I'm sure stories from my life, including my hopes and dreams, will find their way into this place, but mostly, I just want a place to encourage the creativity that once thrilled my fingers into letting my imagination flow out onto paper.
If you choose to accompany me on this journey or just stop in once or twice along the way, you are welcome.
And so it begins.