"Expect great things from God, attempt great things for God."
- William Carey
I am on the brink of a new season of life, feeling like everything is going incredibly slow and yet whirling past me with unthinkable speed. In two months, I will be finished with this season of college life. I will be done. How did this happen when just yesterday I was a scared little freshman terrified of living in this big country called the USA and afraid that I wouldn't be able to make American friends, feeling so awfully foreign and yet not?
As I am trudging through loads of schoolwork with a full course load as well as working part-time, time seems to be inching past me, as I long desperately for my upcoming Christmas break, when I can rejoice in being finished with school, enjoy the presence of my beautiful family whom I have not seen in a year, and get to spend time with my loving boyfriend whom I miss so very much. Time is going...so...slowly.
And yet, as I think back to the nervous and shy freshman overwhelmed by the size of the cereal aisle in Winco, I can't believe how quickly time has flown.
Even as I think of the impending end to a season and wonder what is coming next as countless college graduates have done before me, I am so content in Christ. It has not been this way much of the time.
I am a planner and worrier, so when things are out of my control or don't go as I had planned, I become frustrated and struggle to trust my God who has proven Himself faithful over and over again in my life.
But, thankfully, my God knows my heart better than anyone else, and even in knowing all my flaws, I am sure He lovingly rolls His eyes at me and whispers, "Sarah, don't you trust me? After all this time, don't you know I want what's best for you and am guiding you closer to me even as I lead you in life?" He is not angry, throwing His hands up in a huff and giving up on me. He is faithful and true and persistent in His kindness and love towards me, as well as His discipline in correcting me and setting me on the right path. And so as I am looking towards a new season, I am challenging myself to every day rest in that. I want to rest in His love and faithfulness, and furthermore, I want to be faithful in return.
Right now, being the planner that I am, I am getting myself into a tizzy working up budgeting plans to pay off loans and live simply (Dutch Bros., Boba, Fast food fasts...yes, it will be rough but of course, those are luxuries of American living) as well as looking forward to the future with hope kindled in my heart, knowing the Lord has a purpose for my life, and He is leading me on a road that will draw me closer to Him and teach me how to love as He loves.
I am expecting amazing things from an amazing God who has proven Himself faithful countless times.
But I am also attempting to do great things for His glory, doing all I can to be ready to serve Him in all that I am. I want to invest in the place He has me in the present.
I want to be open and ready to go wherever He sends me, and I refuse to let my passion for His name or the vision and love He has given me for the nations die or be sacrificed for temporal pleasures. My greatest joy is to know Him and know that I am exactly where He wants me, and I can rest in Him, knowing He is a good Daddy, the greatest Friend, my ever-present Comforter.
18 October 2012
5 October 2012
Stronger
I would like to think I am a strong person.
Yes, my life experience has amounted to twenty-two years of blessing, growing up in a loving home, taught to follow and love the Lord and choosing Him for myself fifteen years after my birth. My heart has not been ravaged by the horrors of life, as so many have. I grieve with those who have, but I cannot say that that has been a part of my own story.
My own loss has had to do with a sense of identity, growing up with the constancy of goodbyes being my childhood, and later adulthood, companion. Rootlessness has trailed me, as I wander through life living out of a suitcase and with the constant awareness of impending change. My struggles has been one of finding identity and roots when everything in me screams to continue aimlessly wandering and just shift who I am to fit where I go. I still wrestle as I strive to find my identity in Christ and put my roots down deep into Him, because it is He who has redeemed me and made His home in me so I can have a home in Him.
My struggle has been one of learning to love with vulnerability, and wholeheartedly, as Christ loves, though my wanderer's heart cannot bear to love for fear of loss once again. I am sure all of us are on a similar journey, learning to love even though love can bring so much heartache. Wasn't it God's love that taught us the meaning of true love? A love that fought and pursued even when those He loved dragged Him through the streets of Jerusalem with a cross on His torn-up back and then nailed Him to that same cross, laughing as He struggled for breath to fill His aching lungs.
I look to His love and can't help but want to cry, that He would do such a thing for me, love me in such a way. He loved me even when I returned His love with hatred. He loved me even when I cried out for His death. He loved me when I taunted Him in His hour of distress. He loves me still when I go about life as though He is not important to me. He loves me still when I do not love Him back as I should, and I do this, yes. I say, "I love you, Jesus," and then I just go about life, uttering a quick prayer, reading my Bible religiously and ignoring the fact that love isn't obligation but relationship.
Yes, He loves me still.
Even when I like to pretend that I am perfectly strong on my own, holding on to all sense of control as I try to make sense of life when it doesn't go the way I had planned, when I try to make sense of love that hurts, when I try to make sense of the chaos ravaging our world because of our own selfish ambition.
I would like to think that I am a strong person.
But then I realize that I really am not. I am the one who would take everything that aches and wrap it all up inside my heart, vowing to never love because I am afraid--afraid of loss, afraid of hurt, afraid of rejection.
I would like to think that I am a strong person.
But when I find that I am not, I look to Him, and I know He is stronger. His love endured the cross. His love pursues relentlessly and does not quake in the presence of loss, hurt, or rejection, but withstands them all and continues to pour out without fail.
So I look to His love, and in His love, I find that His presence in me enables me to love.
So, I admit, I am not a strong person, but He is strong.
And His love for me gives me the strength to love. So each time I feel my weak little knees buckling, I'll draw on His love--His powerful, faithful, unending love.
Yes, my life experience has amounted to twenty-two years of blessing, growing up in a loving home, taught to follow and love the Lord and choosing Him for myself fifteen years after my birth. My heart has not been ravaged by the horrors of life, as so many have. I grieve with those who have, but I cannot say that that has been a part of my own story.
My own loss has had to do with a sense of identity, growing up with the constancy of goodbyes being my childhood, and later adulthood, companion. Rootlessness has trailed me, as I wander through life living out of a suitcase and with the constant awareness of impending change. My struggles has been one of finding identity and roots when everything in me screams to continue aimlessly wandering and just shift who I am to fit where I go. I still wrestle as I strive to find my identity in Christ and put my roots down deep into Him, because it is He who has redeemed me and made His home in me so I can have a home in Him.
My struggle has been one of learning to love with vulnerability, and wholeheartedly, as Christ loves, though my wanderer's heart cannot bear to love for fear of loss once again. I am sure all of us are on a similar journey, learning to love even though love can bring so much heartache. Wasn't it God's love that taught us the meaning of true love? A love that fought and pursued even when those He loved dragged Him through the streets of Jerusalem with a cross on His torn-up back and then nailed Him to that same cross, laughing as He struggled for breath to fill His aching lungs.
I look to His love and can't help but want to cry, that He would do such a thing for me, love me in such a way. He loved me even when I returned His love with hatred. He loved me even when I cried out for His death. He loved me when I taunted Him in His hour of distress. He loves me still when I go about life as though He is not important to me. He loves me still when I do not love Him back as I should, and I do this, yes. I say, "I love you, Jesus," and then I just go about life, uttering a quick prayer, reading my Bible religiously and ignoring the fact that love isn't obligation but relationship.
Yes, He loves me still.
Even when I like to pretend that I am perfectly strong on my own, holding on to all sense of control as I try to make sense of life when it doesn't go the way I had planned, when I try to make sense of love that hurts, when I try to make sense of the chaos ravaging our world because of our own selfish ambition.
I would like to think that I am a strong person.
But then I realize that I really am not. I am the one who would take everything that aches and wrap it all up inside my heart, vowing to never love because I am afraid--afraid of loss, afraid of hurt, afraid of rejection.
I would like to think that I am a strong person.
But when I find that I am not, I look to Him, and I know He is stronger. His love endured the cross. His love pursues relentlessly and does not quake in the presence of loss, hurt, or rejection, but withstands them all and continues to pour out without fail.
So I look to His love, and in His love, I find that His presence in me enables me to love.
So, I admit, I am not a strong person, but He is strong.
And His love for me gives me the strength to love. So each time I feel my weak little knees buckling, I'll draw on His love--His powerful, faithful, unending love.
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