It's strange to think that when He is all I have to hold to, it's so hard for me to crucify my pride in order to reach out and take hold of His hand, to surrender my will in order to allow His will to be done and to rescue me from the tempest in His own perfect manner.
Maybe I do reach out, take that one step of will-defying faith towards Him, but often, like Peter, I falter. And I come back to this question, this question that torments me as the storm rages around me. Why is it so difficult to trust Him? When neither I nor anyone around me can help me, why does it take every bit of strength to put my trust in the One who has proven Himself faithful time after time?
Then I question why. Why am I alone in this tempest? Why is everyone else floating on calm waters while I face the angry sea alone? I begin to wonder at the love of a Father to allow His children to doggy-paddle helplessly in the midst of a raging ocean while He waits. I wonder what He is thinking, what is His purpose in this?
I am learning to trust in His love as the Father, but I am also learning to recognize His role as Sanctifier and Redeemer. The journey of following Christ is a process of dying to self, of having our will crucified and buried to make room for living out the Father's will in us. And sanctification is not a calm-water process. Gold is refined through fire. Hearts that once dwelt in darkness and sin must need a stronger crucible than gold. If my faith is to be refined, it is often the raging storms that play the part of the crucible, the true test of turning to the Father and surrendering to His work in and through my life. I think the beautiful, complementing conundrum is found in realizing His role as both the sanctifying Redeemer and loving Father. He allows us to face the crucible but is with us every step of the way.
The test lies in this: to continue to hold fast in the storm, to surrender and trust in Him even in His apparent silence amidst the raging sea, and to continue to hope.
There's a lot of unknowns in my future right now, even in the near present. But praise the Lord, He is faithful and near. My nature is to worry, but He is teaching me to trust. What a beautiful thing to know that His love is unfailing and our steps are secure within His will. I am so blessed.
"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."Hebrews 10: 22-23
